Jeni Hooper, Child Psychologist and Parent Coach at Happy2Learn  

• Has your life has taken an unexpected turn because of separation or divorce?  
• Are you unsure what to expect from the future?  
• Are you feeling drained?  
• Are your children irritable or having mood swings?  
• Is communication in the family not as good as it used to be?  
• Do you want to make sure your children will be ok? 

The good news is that children are amazingly resilient when they have the right support. Real life is rarely perfect and never predictable. Here is what can make the difference between just surviving and starting a new and rewarding life together: 

Learn to ride the emotional roller coaster.

Emotional highs and lows are to be expected. Adapting to life changes can’t be rushed but can be supported. Children do find the emotional highs and lows hard to understand without adult help. Think of emotion as a message. We can use this emotional feedback as a call to action to solve problems. Learn to ride the emotional roller coaster and know how to deal with strong and unwelcome feelings. 

What to do

• Talk about feelings and encourage your child to pay attention to what they are feeling.
• Agree what you all will do when someone is feeling low. Aim to soothe feelings and contain unwelcome behaviour until the mood lifts.
• Have a variety of strategies which match the mood. Learning what works comes from experience.
• Keep talking to find solutions that work for your family.
• Sadness responds well to quiet time with lots of reassurance. Sharing a story or a watching a film together is comforting and creates time for rest and repair.
• Anger erupts when a child feels threatened or unable to trust the situation. They will try to take control to feel safe. Once your child accepts that their anger carries a message they will be more able to calm down. Then you can begin to find out what it is behind the behaviour.
• Anxiety comes from uncertainty and feeling insecure. What else might happen next is often an unspoken question for children. Children have great imaginations but this can lead to them imagining more and more extreme possibilities. Be calm and reassuring. You don’t need to have all the answers. Tell them you know it will get better.

All you need is love.

Children will cope with life’s setbacks when they feel truly loved by at least one person. When parents separate, children are aware, perhaps for the first time that love can end. This is very frightening. Children worry that their parents will stop loving them too, they need to hear repeatedly that this will not happen. 

What to do

• Let your child know why they are loveable. Saying I love you is great but telling them exactly how they are brilliant gives your child a real sense of who they are.
• Give praise for effort as well as achievement. Children who are praised mainly for achievement can wonder if that is what is important to you.
• Encourage your child to notice self improvement. Comparing what they can do today compared with last month gives a real sense of progress.
• Let your child tell you what is loveable about you. Learning to both give and receive love, is an important life skill. 

Love the child but not the behaviour

There will be times when your child is not at their best. Sometimes behaviour does become a challenge. Remind yourself that the family is learning a new way of life. Accept that behaviour you don’t like will happen. Remind yourself that you are a capable parent who has planned how to deal with challenges. Mistakes are stepping stones to getting it right. 

What to do

• Don’t accept behaviour that goes against family rules and values. Remind your child why the behaviour is unacceptable. “When you do X I feel disappointed because …… “  
• If your child is on the top of the emotional roller coaster don’t join in. Use one of your pre planned strategies to keep things calm.  
• Allow time for everything to settle down before you discuss what could be done better next time.  
• Use what questions rather than why questions .Ask “what could you do next time? “, instead of “why did you do that? “. The word why, is always followed by because, which creates a need to justify and defend. ”What else could you do? “, is more neutral and avoids confrontation.  
• Be positive. Tell your child you have confidence in their ability to do the right thing in future.

Invest in your emotional bank account 

How we feel, depends not only on what happens to us by chance, but also on what we make happen. Children are much more likely to live in the moment and at the mercy of their feelings. 

You can help your child to become happier and more in control when you help them to focus on positive feelings and experiences. 

Our general wellbeing results from a combination of positive feelings, thoughts and behaviour. When you change thoughts and behaviour in small ways it will gradually lift how you feel.  

What to do 

• Find activities to share that you all will enjoy. Create new interests to replace ones that are no longer available.
• Make a scrapbook or take photos and look at them together, relishing the shared experience from that day.
• See as many people who make you feel good as time will allow.
• Decide that you can avoid people who you find draining for a while.
• Finish every day by sharing as a family what has been good. Each person finds 3 good things from their day. The intention is to notice and appreciate every day details.
• Build your emotional bank account of positive feelings by choosing books, films and music that are uplifting.
• Encourage your child to learn new skills or take up a hobby.
• Find ways to smile and laugh. Both are great for reducing stress and releasing feel good chemicals into our bodies.
• Be patient. Change takes time. Notice each small step in the right direction.
• Find support. Meeting others in the same situation can be a great boost. Organised support groups are about celebrating success and problem solving.
• Imagine a new future. Visualise what you want life to be like in a year’s time. Write a letter to yourself from the future explaining what you did to get there. You might be surprised what great ideas you have.
• Once you have your own plan get the family together to write a family version. Encourage everyone to have their say about what life could be like and how to get there. This is a wonderful opportunity to discuss what everyone needs to make life satisfying.

2007 Jeni Hooper, Child Psychologist and Parent Coach at Happy2Learn