This question has bugged me for a while. I thought I knew the obvious distinction - that coaching doesn't deal with the past; it deals in the now and the future. It enables people to take action and it breaks down the resistance to take action. Counselling can be seen as looking at specific issues and their links to the past. But it isn't that easy - psychotherapy can also help people to do all coaching does AND come to terms with the past.

I asked Sarah Shultz who practices as a Relationship Coach in the US (having also been a counsellor) for help in clarifying the distinctions between relationship counselling and coaching and what relationship coaching can do for couples in a disintegrating relationship. Here's her reply:  

Differences between Relationship Counselling & Coaching

  By Sarah M. Schultz, MA, CPC
©2007 Sarah Schultz All rights reserved.  

"Therapy is about resolving issues from your past. Coaching is you shifting and creating new solutions from the present, so that your future is positively impacted." - Dottie Berry, Life & Relationship Coach  

In the past, relationship counselling has been the solution of choice for many troubled marriages. Couples dealing with insurmountable differences and unrelenting discord have sought out the expertise of a qualified psychologist to help them understand their problems, in order to determine whether there was hope for a future together.  

Unfortunately though, by the time couples meet with a counsellor, they are disillusioned and cynical about the outcome of the relationship. Yet they feel obligated to try one last resource before deciding to call it quits. In this sense, counselling is considered a last-ditch effort to revive a dying marriage. Couples in this situation don't need to understand the origin of their problems. Instead, they are looking for immediate relief so they can work together to overcome their problems 

Research shows that what separates couples who divorce from those who stay happily married over the long haul is not love or commitment. Instead, it's skills - problem solving skills, communication skills, intimacy skills, and so on. Happily married couples experience conflict just as much as couples who divorce. The difference is that happy couples have learned how to resolve their conflict in an effective way.  

Luckily, a new trend has emerged in recent years to help couples find the relief they need: relationship coaching. The purpose of coaching is not only to prevent divorce, but to create an even more stable and loving foundation for their union. Coaches assist couples in creating a marriage that is collaborative, passionate, and fulfilling for both individuals.  

Using a results-oriented and education-based approach, relationship coaches provide couples in conflict with tools they can use within minutes of leaving the coaching session. Instead of spending weeks or even months in therapy sessions analyzing the past and dissecting their problems to death, couples are encouraged to re-structure their relationship by practicing new ways of relating with each other and changing old patterns of behavior.  

Couples who attend coaching:

• Create a shared vision for what they really want their relationship to look like. 
• Learn how to discuss heated topics in an effective way. 
• Come to a mutually-agreeable compromise for unresolved issues.   
• Implement new ways of appreciating their partner's strengths and unique attributes.   
• Prioritize their time so the relationship receives the attention and nurturing it deserves.   
• Identify and overcome the road-blocks keeping them from lasting love.   
• Balance their personal needs and desires with those of their partner.  
• Explore current insecurities, fears and trust issues.  

Overall, the emphasis in relationship coaching is on creating positive interactions with their mate, rather than on re-living negative events from the past. There are times when it is healthy to reflect on our past and understand ourselves on a deeper level. In these instances, counselling has many benefits and provides a lot of value. But when the future of your marriage depends on making real changes as soon as possible, give coaching a try - you may be pleasantly surprised!

General Differences Between Coaching and Therapy

Source: Hayden, C.J., and Whitworth, L. "Distinctions Between Coaching and Therapy."  International Association of Personal and Professional Coaches Newsletter, October 1995.  

What Sarah says bears out the experience of many clients I speak to who have tried the relationship counselling route as a last ditch resort at saving the marriage, only to find they end up learning that there is no hope in resurrecting the relationship.  

Sarah offers some great services, the like of which I have been unable to find here in the UK -  e.g. a 4 week tele-coaching programme for committed couples called 'Keeping Your Love Alive' and an 8 week programme called 'The Marriage Breakthrough (TM) Seminar.' You can attend on your own or with your partner; you dial from the comfort of your own settee, glass of wine in hand if you like!  

With inexpensive methods of dialling the US and hour long seminars priced at between $50 and less than $100 each, (backed by a money back guarantee) it seems a very reasonable outlay for a fresh look at ways to rescue your marriage. Here's a little more about Sarah and how you can find out more about how her services might help you or someone you know:  

Biography of Sarah Schultz  Sarah M. Schultz, MA, CPC is a certified Personal Development Coach in Park City , UT. Sarah is dedicated to coaching quarterlifers (adults in their 20s and 30s) to create meaning in their hectic and overwhelming lives.  In particular, Sarah specializes in helping quarterlifers build lasting and committed relationships, create a fulfilling work/life balance, and manage the stress of major life transitions.

Sarah obtained her M.A. degree in Counseling Psychology from the University of San Francisco , with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy and Adult Development. Sarah subsequently earned her Professional Coach Certification from Coach Training Alliance, one of the leading coach training programs in the world.  Sarah is an active and involved member of the International Coach Federation

Receive your free copy of Sarah's Special Report: Five Steps to Creating a Life You Love! by registering on the New Heights Life Coaching website here . Also visit her blog, The Modern Life Survival Guide: Secrets to Enjoying Life in the 21st Century here  for tips on creating your ideal life. 

2007 Kirsten Gronning