February Newsletter :: 'Do I Stay or Do I Go?'

- Do I Stay or Do I Go?
- Save money in Divorce – learn how at the How to Successfully Split workshops
- Can Affairs Save Marriages?
- ‘It's no big deal really' by Anne Cantelo
- Anticipating Valentine’s Day Blues
- Children First and Court Support

word count: 1708 words
time to read: 4.5 min
      

Welcome and especially to all the new subscribers.  

Do I stay or Do I Go?

Confused? Alone? You might be thinking 'Do I stay or do I go?' or not even thinking properly at all because the issues in marriage breakdown which you know, deep down, you have to face are simply too hard to contemplate?

Facing separation and starting a divorce can feel daunting and scary. It’s hard working out what needs to be done next even if you do have a best friend to bounce ideas off and a shoulder to cry on. It’s difficult to know when to seek legal advice especially if you have limited funds.

    
We've been through it and know just how hard it is to get going. But we also know that when you start to see a way forward, things do start to fall into place. Granted they'll never be the same again, but that's not to say they won't be better.

Save money in Divorce – learn how at the How to Successfully Split workshops

But did you know that there are thousands of other people out there, all faced with similar challenges. These people are telling us they want inexpensive and useful information whether they are being divorced, driving the divorce or separating?

Thanks to those who attended our pilot workshops last month and last year. We proved a need and received such positive feedback that we went back to the drawing board to arrange more over the coming year, both in London and outside of London.

What is a divorce workshop? It's an informal but professional safe place to learn; inexpensive at £45, and an opportunity to share with others the traps and pitfalls of the potential minefield of present day divorce.

This is what Anna, an attendee said of the October workshop:

'The workshop made me feel far more positive. When I arrived I felt as if I was going to a funeral; when I left I felt a lot more optimistic.'

'I thought the course was well-thought out and the experts were kind, helpful and engaging. It was great to have a bank of experts beside us.'
Eve, attendee at the January 'How to Successfully Split the Finances' workshop, separated for some time.

The next Divorce Coach 'How to Successfully Split' divorce workshops with divorce professionals are on Saturday 23 February in Hampton, Middlesex. There'll be a general workshop in the morning and another geared specifically around finances in divorce in the afternoon. Attend one or both as you wish.

We guarantee that attendees will learn how to save money in divorce from divorce experts who include a family lawyer and financial experts who are there to help and inform. Attendees can share specific issues if they want to. Refreshment breaks are an important part of the workshops and attendees are welcome to continue the discussion at the pub later.

Divorce is a life changing event. If you are going through it - or know someone else who is – attending the workshop will cost you a Saturday and less than £100. Isn’t that a small price to learn more about how you can best make the experience a positive one?

You can read more here and book on-line. Places are limited so do so soon.

Can Mistresses Save Marriages?

In the last newsletter I wrote about the initiative of Desertion Survivors  to encourage people to turn desertion from a negative to a positive and help one another in the process.

I had the pleasure of meeting Desertion Survivors founder Ann Jones last Tuesday when we were both invited to the filming for the ITV Talking London programme screened that evening called Can Mistresses Save Marriages?

It was a fiery debate: the mistresses invited put forward their own very personal stories on how their adulterous affairs - in some cases over very many years - have suited not only them and their adulterous partner but also the partner's family in that it kept the family together when they might otherwise have split.
We also heard from representatives from the growing number of websites and other services which make it easy for people to meet unmet needs (or whatever else drives people to seek out illicit encounters) outside marriage and they put forward their view that their services can help marriages.

The people, understandably, who were totally against the notion that affairs could save marriages, were those who had personal experience of being the one cheated upon. Ann Jones for example, founder of Desertion Survivors knows what it's like to be cheated on and fears for the effect this has on children of the marriage and she was totally supported in her view by Vanessa Feltz.

It’s my view that affairs represent an end to most marriages because to conduct them requires deceit and the level of forgiveness needed to reconcile simply isn't possible once discovered. When affairs become a habit, then it's often because the person conducting the affair can't face up to endings - they are unable to finish the marriage and instead find it more comfortable to move on into the next relationship and let someone else pick up the pieces.

Suzie Hayman in her Relate book called ‘Moving On - breaking up without breaking down' goes into this in great depth. It’s worth noting that this is often a behaviour learned from early childhood and parental role models and is repeated in many areas of life, not just in relationships.

'It's no big deal really' by Anne Cantelo

I really enjoyed reading this book: it’s a real inspiration for any person - male or female – who’s contemplating divorce and looking for best possible ways of going about it, especially if they have kids. Here’s what the publisher says:

Most would agree that divorce should be as quick and pain-free as possible, especially when children are involved. After all, divorce can affect children in so many different ways, with damaging consequences for their self-esteem, behaviour, academic performance and even health.

It’s No Big Deal Really combines professional advice, and first-hand experiences of the successes and mistakes that can occur when dealing with a family separation. Anne Cantelo provides a commonsense roadmap to avoid putting children in the middle of a divorce or using them to score points off your ex. Addressing questions like: Is divorce ever right for children? How do you know if you’re doing more harm staying together than separating? What happens after the divorce?, Anne Cantelo shows how to minimise pain and upheaval on one’s children.

Highlighting the errors many parents make and the impact they can have on children, Cantelo aims to make divorce seem like ‘it’s no big deal really’ rather than the end of the world.

And an extract from the book (with kind permission of the publishers):

To break or not to break (coming back to my original theme – Do I Stay or Do I go?)

..It will not be what your spouse has done that will cause you to divorce; it will be your reaction to it. However, your relationship is probably beyond saving if:

* One of you refuses to give up a lover despite the other knowing about it and demanding it.
* You’ve not been in love with each other for 18 months or more.
* You feel embarrassed when people see you together.
* You can’t even be bothered to argue with your spouse any more.
* One of you has admitted being gay.
* He or she is violent towards you and/or the children.
* Your spouse makes you feel bad about yourself and who you are.

You can read more in the book about what factors need to be present if your relationship might be saved.

Wouldn't it be good if every divorcing person read a copy of this book before they started the process (and they took note!) and as a result drastically reduced the misery generated as a result of divorce.

'It's no big deal really' by Anne Cantelo is one of several interesting and more unusual books about marriage and divorce published by Vision Paperbacks and Fusion Press www.visionpaperbacks.co.uk 

Anticipating Valentine’s Day Blues

Jackie Walker, The Divorce Coach based in Scotland is starting an 8 week Divorce Challenge tele-class programme on Thursday 15 February. Whether divorce or separated and no matter for how long, Valentine’s Day can have a stranglehold on your emotions. If you want to banish the blues and quickly wake up to a better life, then this is the programme for you.

Past participants report significant improvements in self- esteem, courage, health, ability to cope as well as receiving tips on how to handle money, fitness and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Next newsletter – Children First and Court Support

In the next newsletter we shall be bringing you news about exciting new initiatives from family lawyers aimed at doing more to protect children early on from the adverse effects of divorce and how The Divorce Coach will be endorsing that message in our workshops.

We shall also bring you more news about how the Court Support programme is developing after an extremely successful pilot and how we will offer this unique form of help to people who have to go through the court process and wish to be better prepared emotionally.

Don’t forget, as well as workshops, The Divorce Coach also offers:

• A downloadable eCourse ‘How to Successfully Split’ written for people who can’t attend the workshop. 
• The free Simple Steps to save serious Money in Divorce guide, sent as an eCourse over a week. 
• 1-2-1 divorce tele-coaching and mentoring within England and Wales. 
• Bespoke 1:2:1 for people in the Richmond, West London and Central London area to suit your needs.