July Newsletter :: 'Divorce Lawyers prefer not to go to Court'

• 'Divorce lawyers prefer not to go to court'   

• Surviving divorce – whose responsibility is it? 

• After the summer….the divorce rush 

• The best of the rest 

We’ve been quietly overhauling our website recently, so sorry there’s been no news for a little while. However, lots has been happening: both in the wider world of UK divorce and relationship breakdown, and in the services we at The Divorce Coach are offering to give separating and divorcing people more support, so that they come through less damaged. Let’s catch up ...   

'Divorce lawyers prefer not to go to court'

More good news (in our view) from divorce lawyers as they are increasingly recognising that the adversarial divorce system we have in the UK is exacerbating the adverse impact of family breakdown and needs to radically change. A huge shift is underway to move divorce from the ‘adversarial ‘norm’ and a recent survey showed that nine out of ten divorce lawyers supported a move to leave divorce courts out of divorce.

According to www.insidedivorce.com recent research carried out by Grant Thornton found that nine out of ten family lawyers would prefer to see greater emphasis on a less confrontational and more collaborative approach where couples work together with their legal advisers - and in some cases external specialists - to reach an agreement without the need to enter a court room.

Andrew Woolley, of Woolley and Co. commented: "We fully support this approach. Taking a case into a court room leads to spiralling costs for clients, drags the process out and does not guarantee an agreeable outcome for everyone anyway."

"It can also be traumatic for all parties, especially if there are any children involved."

"Sometimes there is an assumption from a client that to reach a fair financial settlement, or reach agreement over the children, they have to battle it out in court. TV and films could have a lot to answer for in that regard."

"Sitting down with their lawyer and stating what they reasonably would like, and keeping a civil relationship with their estranged spouse, so that they can come to an agreement without heading to court doesn't make good entertainment. But it will make the process much less traumatic and no less fair."

In our last newsletter we brought you news that senior family judges were making it clear that the system they have been working with for the last few decades is badly failing to help splitting families. Headlines like ‘ High Court Judge warns family breakdown is as big a threat to national life as global warning' are an indication of how serious the problem is.

Our clients are usually looking at ways to stay out of court, however the reality is that they are in court, or facing court. Why is this? I’m not a mathematician but surely if 9/10 divorce lawyers don’t want to go to court (according to the Grant Thornton survey above) and 9/10 The Divorce Coach clients don't want to go to court either, there should be less people destined for the divorce courts!

It's our view that they are normally in court because their partner won't engage with the process and sadly (for the client and usually their family too) those litigious partners will find a family lawyer who support them in ‘fighting it out' in court.

Will a future combination of divorce lawyers wishing to stay out of court and divorcing people wishing to stay out of court too reduce the amount of cases ultimately ending up in court? I suspect not - because starting litigation is often the only way of forcing the party who is dragging their heels to take action. Such are the delays in central London courts (and I’ve been told by lawyers that decisions have to be made early on to commence litigation because there is such a waiting list for hearings) that, whilst this may indeed galvanise some people into action, there are others who relish their ‘day in court’ and will use it to delay matters even further. Litigious lawyers and their clients will know that the enforced delays and resultant financial and emotional costs can often mean the spouse who did not wish to go to court (who is usually the less financially secure partner) is brought to their knees and may well end up se ttling for less because they cannot afford (financially and emotionally) to fight for more.

If lawyers REALLY prefer to see greater emphasis on a less confrontational approach, how is this message being put out to divorcing people in practice and how powerful is that message? Here’s my tu’ppeny ha’penny worth:

• To start with, we need more surveys like this from Grant Thornton and more press releases to support the new shift in thinking. 
• We need more collaborative lawyers across the board, not just at the higher net worth end. 
• We need family lawyers to recognise that they should be playing a small part in the divorce process – the legal part. And they need to tell their clients that seeking help for the non-legal aspects will save them time AND money. 
• We need the government to invest in educating people about the alternatives to litigation. It never ceases to amaze me that most people in the divorce process think family mediation is couples counselling. 
• We need to recognise why people 'fight' divorce (largely for emotional reasons) and help them to overcome these feelings so that they are better able to get through the process. 
• We need to learn from the Americans and other nationalities about celebrating divorce and talking about the process instead of sweeping it under the carpet. How much easier it would be if we could say 'We got together; it didn't work out; now we are ending it amicably so we can move on.' 

And if we took more trouble to learn about ourselves and why we are going into long-term relationships and make sure our values are aligned with our partners before committing, we could make our relationships last for life.

An increasing number of divorce professionals believe that litigation in divorce should be a last resort. It will only be a last resort if all family lawyers and the government properly support people in taking responsibility for their part in the break-up; for educating them about how to dismantle the former partnership in a responsible way and being able to see that creating a new life is not impossible post-divorce. Crucially, separating and divorcing people have to want to utilise that support.

Surviving divorce – whose responsibility is it?

Surviving divorce is one of the most difficult things to do. As a divorce coach I believe it is absolutely crucial to people’s well–being that most people seek help on the emotional front, as it is this support which will determine whether they move on after the event - or they stay stuck in a ‘poor-me’ place, sometimes for the rest of their lives. 

What is divorce survival? And whose responsibility is it? In a nutshell, divorce survival to me is being able to look back once the dust has settled and accept that things are now very different (better even in some ways) but confident in the knowledge that you and your family are able to create a new – if sometimes very different - life. And that the ‘mistakes’ you made have enabled you to grow: you have learnt from them and you won’t make them again! 

Whose responsibility is it to survive? It’s your responsibility, 100%. Even if you are in a new relationship, to abdicate responsibility for your total survival is asking for it to all go wrong again further down the line. How do you take responsibility? Here are some tips:

• by finding or asking for help to work out your own solutions;  
• by looking at what you need to survive and how your personal situation might achieve that; 
• by asking for help in dealing with your fears, losses, guilt and anger;  
• by actively learning how to communicate effectively;  
• by learning to let go;  
• by embracing change; 
• by building confidence in your own abilities. 

Less adversarial lawyers are seeing a need to give divorcing people more of what they need and recognising their legal training doesn't necessarily equip them to do this. There is a shift toward recognising that this support needs to come from family and financial mediators, coaches especially divorce and parent coaches, life and relationshipcoaches and counsellors. I am honoured to be part of a team of accredited coaches who is making this possible with Woolley & Co an unusual specialist family law firm who really do what they say on the tin (that’s according to my clients who have used their services.)

To our knowledge, Woolley & Co is the first legal practice to promote divorce coaching in the UK. Regular readers will know that in past newsletters I have commended Woolley & Co's family law firm for the huge amount of genuinely very useful legal information they share on the web and for the fact that they offer a 30 minute free consultation by phone. This is a great starting point for some of my clients – those people who are not yet ready to take the plunge but need some good legal advice or for people who are trying to find the right ‘fit’ of lawyer without spending a lot of time and money in doing so. You can read more here about the Family & Divorce Coaching Alliance on the Woolley Family Lawfirm website.

For readers of this newsletter who are divorce professionals, Woolley & Co distribute a very useful and unusual monthly magazine to fellow professionals working with clients who are to some degree or other impacted by family and matrimonial law. The publication includes articles on legal issues connected with marriage and divorce, related news which might be of interest and more. Contact Woolley & Co for more information.

After the summer...the divorce rush

Divorce lawyers will be preparing for another flood of divorce clients after the summer holidays as relationships which were already rocky become untenable with the pressures of holidays. If you are wondering how you can progress a separation or divorce, or wondering whether the relationship can be patched together again, from September (and every month) you can have the opportunity to speak with me, free of charge, to discuss any relationship breakdown related matters over the phone in a group tele-class. 

It will be necessary to register your interest in advance in order to obtain the telephone access information but you may do so anonymously if you wish. Notify me of any issues or specific questions you may have at the same time and I will do my best to include them. Stay subscribed for further details or check out the page here in late July for further details. 

If you are within striking distance of London and seeking to learn as much as you can about what they’re about to go through - or are already going through - so that you take control, join us in the safe environment of the One-Stop Divorce Workshop where you have the opportunity of speaking to a specialist family lawyer, financial, relationship, and children experts about all the issues which arise. If you wish to save precious family assets and preserve your emotional well-being, put the next date in your diary now – Sat 13 September in Wimbledon. Better still, save £10 off the booking fee by taking advantage of the early bird discount and pay just £57. Book now on-line with the special code WSKPO845 or contact us for further information.

At the last workshop in Hampton on 31 May we were delighted family lawyer Kirsty Lovering, financial consultant and pensions adviser Ray Rastall and wills and trust adviser Gaynor Polirer joined us for the first time. All three experts enthusiastically set about answering the questions and imparting the information the workshop delegates asked for and they will be joining us again at the next Hampton workshop on 1 November.  Thanks also to life coach Jennie Bolt  for her highly inspirational  ‘What now, what next’  workshop where we explored the emotional impact of divorce and how to minimise it.  You can read more about our workshop experts here.

Here is some feedback :

"Great for topline information and pointers to where to go for further help. A valuable starting point for the price."

"Good mix of experts (I wouldn’t have thought of wills & pensions – obviously very important.) I now see a way forward & hope! "

"Many thanks for an extremely useful and supportive workshop. I feel I can make contact with the specialists after the course if necessary."

The Best of the Rest  

Unable to attend our workshops? Stuck? Don’t know where to start? Keen to help a friend in a hard place? If you are looking for real ways forward, you are likely to find many answers by reading our acclaimed How to Successfully Split  divorce self-help course  available to download and read on-line at only £35. Sent over seven parts in two weeks, it will help you and that it is possible to have a best possible divorce - and an inexpensive one. Click here to read more and order on-line and start learning about your options through divorce, how to split the finances and much more in the comfort of your own armchair.

Dating after divorce –  we are always open to polite requests to view posts and articles which may be of interest to readers and clients but increasingly fewer and fewer are, especially when it comes to dating. There are two exceptions in our view – The Singles Coach Trisha Stone always has content and programmes worth reading and listening to and she has re-launched her website www.imsingleagain.com with lots of very interesting content.  

The other is an article "Dating After Divorce: 50 Tips to Get Back into the Groove" which is interesting. Not only does it give helpful tips on finding your feet again by re-discovering yourself (something many people fail to do as they rush headlong into a new relationship without finding out why the last one went wrong) but it gives a great summary of social networking sites available (for those who have the time!) and how to approach that first scary date. It also has tips on how to ‘date with kids’ - ‘making dating and parenting work together.’ I am not sure I have ever seen such an article, so full marks to the writers for tackling such a tricky subject.

Charity of the month - Sunflower Trust www.sunflowertrust.com which allows children to access treatment free of charge through charitable funding.

Using the Sunflower Therapy, they have helped thousands of children. Many have obvious learning difficulties – dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADD, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, Autism – whilst others are underachieving at school for no obvious reason and just need a little extra help to reach their potential.

Research data recently proved that:
- performance/study skills increased by 60% on average
- health increased by 6% on average
- performance iQ increased by 12% on average

If you know anyone they can help, (they are based in Guildford) do get in touch.http://www.sunflowertrust.com/contact_us.php   

Finally, drop me an email or call if you need help in clearing fog cleared pre, through or post divorce. And stay subscribed. In the next newsletter I’ll be writing about the unique range of new services we’re offering under the  its MY divorce  brand for those people who can’t avoid appearing in court and discussing how they can better prepare themselves for the experience - whether or not they have a lawyer.

Best wishes

Kirsten

The Divorce Coach
Divorce is a life changing event. We help to make it positive too. 

t: +44 (0)208 1239046

www.divorcecoaching.co.uk 

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