March Newsletter :: 'It is a process but will come to an end!'

- Separation and divorce – Helping children adjust to a new life
- Do I actually need a family lawyer?
- 'It is a process but will come to an end!’
- The Best of the rest 

Welcome

I started the Divorce Coach newsletter as a guide for divorcing people looking for divorce support outside the traditional legal route. Whilst it’s in every divorcing person’s best interest to take legal advice, getting successfully divorced means far more than knowing your legal rights. 

Getting through separation and divorce successfully as a parent certainly needs much more than the best legal support can offer. As the divorced single parent of three teenagers I am only too aware that the most important ‘thing’ is that children come first and foremost - closely followed by self – and that the more we can get it right for them, the easier the rest falls into place. 

Christina McGhee is the internationally acclaimed divorce coach and parent educator and I’ve followed her work with interest, not only because she represents - for me, and I know, for many others - the US model of divorce coaching which is accredited to work with children - but also because I find her messages highly inspirational. Read Christina McGhee's tips and advice here: www.divorceandchildren.com 

Divorce and Children– Helping children adjust to a new life 

At our 'How to successfully split' divorce workshop on 23 February Jeni Hooper, www.happy2learn.co.uk child psychologist and coach helped us to understand about stages in the divorce process of adjustment from shock and disbelief, to sorrow and despair, through anger and acceptance for children. 

Jeni said that children don’t always understand what has happened and won’t be helped by knowing the full details of what went on between their parents. As a result they can harbour some unhelpful beliefs because they genuinely don’t know why their life as changed and may blame themselves. 

According to Jeni, children may hold these beliefs: 

- Is it my fault? 

- Will things get better if I’m good? 

- Do mum and dad still love me? 

- Will (mum/dad) still want to see me? 

- Will my live-in parent leave me too? 

- We won’t ever have a nice life again. 

- I need to make mum/dad feel better. 

- Other children will think my family is not as good as theirs.

And to conclude her very interesting presentation, Jeni assured us that children are hugely resilient and capable and that making a good life for our children requires optimism and determination.  

This is a message I fully endorse as I look at my own children and fervently hope that they will develop into the adult children of divorced parents who have blossomed into mature, resilient, responsible, focused adults – because of, not despite of, painful divorce experiences. Studies have shown this can very often be the case even though they generally feel they are scarred by the experience.  

Jeni recommends aiming for these key areas when considering divorce and children and making a new life: 

• Communication  – keep talking about what you all want and how to make it happen. 
• Learn to manage feelings  – work out how you can all help when someone is upset or angry. Or ask for help outside the family. 
• Absent parent -  whatever the state of your relationship with your ex (absent parent), your children’s relationship needs support to be as good as it can be. My feedback from clients who have got through to the other side report that the success at keeping the relationship going between their children and the absent parent going, despite many real problems, was worth it as both parents and the children adjusted to their new lives, however hard, but still kept that essential contact on-going. 
• Planning your future– have a vision of the future and make small steps which make all of you feel good.   

Jeni can be contacted at Happy2learn and has a free newsletter you can subscribe to and learn more. 

‘Do I actually need a family lawyer?’ 

I don’t actually get asked this question very often, because most people initially approach separation and divorce thinking they must have a lawyer. But over the past couple of months I’ve come across clients who have appointed lawyers and probably, in my view, not needed to. That’s not to say they don’t need legal advice – it’s almost always in their best interests to get a legal opinion as to their rights and their situation especially where there are joint children and assets.  

Conversely, I’ve spoken to people who have deliberately avoided seeking legal advice, but whom I felt needed to – and when they did, they agreed it could have cost them dear not to!  

In many circumstances a couple of hours of early legal advice, an enquiring mind, a (relatively) co-operative spouse and mutual agreement to work it out themselves – perhaps with a child or financial mediator – could save them £000s. They will almost certainly need a lawyer to check the agreement over at the end and often whilst the agreement is being drawn up, but this is taking legal advice when necessary, and is not the same as appointing a solicitor.  

Appointing the wrong lawyer - especially if combined with ill-founded expectations of what they and the law can do for them - is a recipe for an alarming escalation of costs, especially if their spouse and their solicitor respond in the same manner. 

The costs speak for themselves - a solution found through mediation is likely to be less than £1000, (plus any legal advice) whilst I hear of litigious divorces costing up to £100K. Next week, if the cost of McCartney Mills settlement is made public, this figure will look very, very cheap.

I’ve written before about the resolution vs. litigation question and since then I've tried to establish the average cost of divorce, only to come up with: 

·     How long is a piece of string?  

·     Divorce in London can be double the cost of outside London. 

This is not very helpful. In my view, divorcing people badly need to see the divorce process move from the adversarial ‘norm’ (though there will always be those who will only reach 'agreement' when they get a court order from the judge at the end of a long court process) to encouraging and promoting conflict resolution methods. Having said that, the less adversarial lawyers are moving away from fuelling the 'the only winners are the lawyers' type comments and giving divorcing people more of what they need, i.e.  

·     help in working out their own solutions;  

·     encouraging them to look at what they need to survive and how their personal situation might achieve that. 

I would also add to that list, help with: 

·     dealing with their fears, their losses, their guilt;  

·     encouraging more effective communication;  

·     learning to let go;  

·     embracing change;  

·     building confidence in their own abilities. 

I'm convinced that their legal training doesn't equip them to do this - and that this support needs to come from family and financial mediators and from coaches, especially divorce and parent coaches, life coaches and counsellors. 

I’ll be writing more about this in the months to come as we launch an innovative range of new services with other professionals (and a new website) designed to help people understand the divorce process, what they can expect from it and how to best survive it. The ‘How to successfully split’ workshop is one of those services – see below – and having completed a highly successful pilot there will be services around preparing emotionally and practically for court, including McKenzie Friend support.  

‘It is a process but will come to an end!’ 

This was a comment from a participant at the How to successfully split workshop in Hampton, Middlesex on 23 February and here’s some feedback: 

‘There is help - am not on my own…I am less panicked – it is a process but will come to an end!’ 

‘ It is great to be offered and plugged into a smorgasbord of all legal and non-legal types of services and support. ...it is nice to have a word of mouth referral and meet and speak to service providers first before arranging meetings.' 

‘The atmosphere was relaxed and supportive, it was good to meet the professionals and learn that there is support out there. Much better than trawling through the internet! Meeting the experts over lunch and having a 1:2:1 with the lawyer were invaluable. I would highly recommend this course.’ 

All the attendees agreed the divorce workshop had really worked for them. The next workshop is on 29th March in Wimbledon when we are delighted to have Lorraine Schaffer share her valuable insights. Lorraine is director of the Centre for Mediation and Conflict Resolution in central London. We will also be joined again by Danusia Brzezina of Russell–Cooke solicitors (Chambers and Legal 500 describe them as ‘an excellent firm’) and our licensed financial consultants. 

Book soon as places are limited. The next is 19 April in Hampton.  

Unable to attend the workshops?  

We have reduced the price of our highly acclaimed How to Successfully Split divorce eCourse to £25. Sent over seven parts and two weeks, it will help you see there really is a way forward and that it is possible to have a best possible divorce - and an inexpensive one. Click here to read more and order on-line and start learning about your options through divorce in the comfort of your own home.

The Best of the Rest :: Stand on your own two heels 

Perfect Day, the financial services organisation, is running an exclusive series of workshops called Stand on your own two heels aimed at changing women’s attitudes towards finance. The workshops are designed to inform and empower women to turn financial opportunism into opportunities. 

·    Tuesday March 11  the workshop is called ‘How to make your money grow’ and is about minimising risk, maximising return. 

·    Tuesday 25 March  I am delighted to be a guest speaker at their free workshop ‘Getting on Track after Divorce.’  

To reserve a seat, please e-mail Perfect Day at: 

femaleworkshops@perfectday.tv and select the relevant workshop(s) you would like to attend. PerfectDay are in Clerkenwell, London EC1. And do mention me if you get in touch. 

Life Coaching Weekend Retreat Friday 4 April (eve) – 6 April, Monmouth 

This is a weekend for putting in place those changes about which you have only dreamt. By the end of the two-day residential life-coaching course you will have goals and practical steps in place to enable you move forward. You will take away skills that can be used on a daily basis, and have opened up to embracing a firm and kind confidence in yourself and your goals in order to start living life Feeling Free - Being Me.

CiCi Collins and Sue Weston have many years of experience running groups and facilitating change.  They bring insight, wisdom and humour to their work ensuring that each individual in the small group, no more than eight participants, receives personal attention and support. The peaceful setting of Mill House Farm supports this opportunity to take steps to follow your vision. In the tranquil and rolling countryside of Monmouthshire you will begin to create a space for Feeling Free - Being Me. 

I thoroughly recommend Sue and CiCi’s retreats having experienced them twice to date. Feeling Free Being Me is a wonderful weekend for anyone who is at a crossroads in their life, for those who know that they want something different in their lives but are not quite sure what, and for those who want to see what it is they could be doing to get a different result. Read more in my blog here .

For further details contact: CiCi Collins via www.cicicollins.co.uk 0207 820 9391 or Sue Weston via www.relaxingthemind.com 

Amovita Vitality 

Elizabeth Cairns has an inexhaustible supply of positive energy and vitality and I am dying to find out her secrets. A good starting place might be her Vitality Workshop on Saturday April 26 and 31 May at Earth Life in Kew.  

Elizabeth  writes: If you'd like a great boost then join me on our next Vitality workshop it's a great opportunity to meet some like minds and pick up some top tips as well as having a "Personal Energy MOT."

She is also running a weekend retreat in Wales on 29-30 March called Realisation Retreat. She writes: ‘This is a powerful process I use to help people connect with themselves, get to the heart of what really matters, unleash their passion and inspire them to move confidently forward in the direction of their dreams.’

To learn more visit www.amovita.co.uk 

Don’t forget, if you are stuck, drop me a line here