September Newsletter :: ”  Summer Bummer” or Cause for Celebration?

• ”Summer Bummer” or cause for celebration?

• Family breakup  comes to a head after a holiday

• "Why do we need a family lawyer - we can work it out"

• How do I protect my children in family breakup?” 

• The best of the rest - Events and Friends

Welcome   to The Divorce Coach September newsletter sharing news, services and products which make long term relationship breakup a more positive experience. 

Divorce Trends & Credit Crunch  - 'Summer Bummer ' or Cause for a Celebration? What is the real divorce trend? 

What do you believe? As long term relationships break up it can be baffling to  hear news of divorce trends falling on the one hand, and reports of the credit crunch adding to relationship breakup misery on the other.  

The Sun in their article “Summer Bummer” on 16 August stated the divorce rate was set to soar 150% this summer and blamed  "..the credit crunch on top of the depressing return from long awaited family holidays. Relationship specialists and divorce lawyers warned Augusts' figures are set to rise again - then peak next month, which they are dubbing 'Separation September.' Personal financial pressure, a nation who can't switch off on holiday and get thrown together for two weeks solid with a spouse they wouldn't normally see for more than a few hours per day. Throw in alcohol, travel delays, bickering kids and a hotel or apartment that's tiny and not up to scratch and it all becomes a pressure cooker just waiting to blow."

But the article concludes:  "Going on holiday gives people the feeling of confidence and rejuvenation needed to make major decisions and improve their lives back home."  

Do you see this as a depressing 'sign of the times' or an indication people are more pro-active about getting out of relationships that are making them unhappy? Or has The Sun totally got it wrong? Figures released last week from the Office for National Statistics found the number of people getting divorced in 2007 had fallen for the third year running and is the lowest figures since 1981. The Guardian on 30 August suggested the credit crunch may have had an effect on divorce rates as "  people just can’t afford to get divorced at the minute" but a spokesperson for Relate commented  “The reality is that couples spilt up in all economic climates…Families urgently need easy access to emotional support to manage the fallout from conflict when they separate.”

Autumn Breakup Coaching Special 

We could not agree more with Relate of the need for easy access to emotional support, but we would also add that a shift away from an adversarial approach with cheaper and faster ways to divorce would also help immeasurably.

To help readers who are trying to make sense of a recent family breakup we are offering an autumn breakup coaching programme of 6 x 30 minute coaching sessions with me - 6 weeks over September and October for £297 (usual price is over £370.) For the first six clients I shall also include unlimited e-mail support. It’s a great opportunity to understand where your breakup is heading and what you can do about it in short, sharp sessions to get some clarity and make some progress whilst saving you time and money, not to mention stress! Click here to read more about this offer – but don’t delay, this is limited to the first six people. If you would like to chat to me about how this can help you, please call me on free phone 0800 043 8005.

Family Breakup comes to a head after a holiday

There’s no doubt that all the factors quoted by The Sun above contribute to an unhappy holiday and may be the final straw in a relationship already breaking up. By digging a little deeper to understanding holiday breakup, consider what relaxation means to you and your family. This extract from an eZine from Jo Ream at Mummo (a new website for mums) made me think and I've reproduced it here:

"I received a great email this week from Nina Grunfeld, author, journalist and founder of affordable life coaching company Life Clubs. It was all about clearing your mind, and in it she described her attempts at relaxing holidays over the years.

"In my twenties I used to think that lying by the sea in the sun was the answer, but that just made me hot, bothered and irritable. In my thirties I decided that visiting foreign cities would do it, but I came home feeling as exhausted as when I'd left. In my forties I thought the familiar bucket and spade holidays with my family might be cosy and therapeutic, but all it did was make me feel frustrated and look forward to getting back to work."

So what happened next? Nina went on an Enneagram course and discovered that she is what they call a 'head' person. In other words, most of her focus is in her brain and consequently that's her key to relaxation. As she says, "All I need is a good book and I'm in Nirvana."

As it turns out, this is true for me too ... although I had never really thought about it in that way before. But it explains why my idea of a real treat is an hour in Starbucks with a coffee and a paperback!

According to the Enneagram, 'head' people love thinking, 'heart' people enjoy feeling and 'body' people thrive on taking action. So the question is, are you a 'head', 'heart' or 'body' type? And, most importantly, what does relaxation mean for you? Find the answer to this and you could have a shortcut to calm! Not to mention an explanation for those age-old holiday conflicts where you want to go and be pampered in a spa somewhere whilst your other half wants to go and climb a mountain!"

If booking another holiday with your spouse is bottom of your list of priorities right now and you are struggling to make sense of everything and need expert help to do so, can you travel to Hampton, London on 1^st November to find some direction from breakup experts? 

People are becoming more aware of the information and support that is available and are looking for it before they put all their cards on the table. They need time to digest what it is they are or may be going through; to try and make sense of it but this hasn’t been available in one place, face to face, before now. The Divorce Coach recognised a need to find trusted breakup experts and has brought them together in the safe environment of the  One-Stop Divorce Workshop. 

Where else can you find personal, even 1-1 support from a variety of breakup experts for a fraction of the price of seeing them individually? If you are seeking to learn as much as you can about what you’re about to go through - or are already going through - so that you take control, join us for the opportunity of asking a specialist family lawyer, financial, relationship, and children experts about the issues which are important to you. 

If you wish to save precious family assets and preserve your emotional well-being, check the next date in your diary now – Sat 1 November Hampton, Middlesex (easy London, M4, M3, M25.) Save £10 off the booking fee by booking now (places are limited) and taking advantage of the early bird discount for the first 5 bookers and pay just £57. Book now on-line with the special code WKSP0845 or contact us for further information.

Click here to read more about how we have helped many people at the workshops over the last ten months and here to learn more about our breakup  experts.  

“Why do we need a divorce lawyer - we can work it out ourselves” - Exposing the Myths in Family Law 

I read Woolley & Co Family Law firm’s article Exposing the Myths in Family Law with a growing sense of relief at finally being able to quote a respected legal source for some common misconceptions we come across regularly – misconceptions which can have a profound negative impact if they are perceived as ‘gospel.’ These are some myths The Divorce Coach comes across with a link to the legal opinion at the end of the article: 

·            “Why do we need a divorce lawyer - we can work it out ourselves.”  I have heard this from people with children and property and whilst commendable that they can work it out amicably, what they may not fully appreciate is that it may cost them dear in the long-term. Many people are under the misconception that getting a ‘divorce’ is simply getting the decree absolute, failing to realise this does not protect their financial assets – that needs a separate order. Many people cannot afford to appoint a lawyer, but that is very different from taking legal advice. Divorce lawyers naturally advise taking legal advice – and for good reason. It is in almost everyone’s best interests to take legal advice - even if it is just the minimum affordable to clarify what the law is for your situation - especially at the beginning, and preferably at any tricky points along the way. 

·            “We’ve been living together as common-law man and wife so surely we have the same rights as though we are married.”  Someone I knew ended up in bed and breakfast accommodation with her young child when her (“common-law”) relationship (of many years) broke up and her name was not on the housing association lease of the house she and her partner and other children had lived in for many years. It took her two years of living in B & B accommodation to find an alternative home, not a route she would recommend to anyone. 

·          “My ex partner says I won’t ‘get custody’ and I’m worried they’ll win.”  In our experience when this is the parent’s perception it can easily become their reality, giving rise to a very real fear that their children can be taken away from them – with disastrous consequences for parental relationships and the children. Under these circumstances conflict can escalate very fast with irreparable damage being caused on all sides. Legally courts can no longer award custody of children to either parent. The court will however make residence or contact orders if the parents can’t agree. It is vital that a legal opinion is sought from a good family lawyer to establish legal rights. In addition, help and support with a divorce coach or a family mediator, for example, enables:

• a better understanding of family conflict; 
• keeps lines of communication open; 
• can play a huge part in agreeing arrangements 

·          “Won’t the court will tell him (it is usually a he) he will have to pay £x per month for the children”  (the x amount usually represents what the mother wants, not necessarily what she needs.) The reality is that courts have no general power to deal with maintenance for children. The Child Support Agency deals with payments to help support the children. If (as a divorced person) you are receiving it, it’s almost certainly not enough and if you are paying, it will be too much. The reality is if you are irresponsible, devious or self-employed (or a combination) you can probably get away with not paying anything at all.  

For a legal perspective about the above myths and more (including unmarried father’s rights) click the link here  to Woolley & Co Family lawyer’s webpage ‘Exposing the Myths in Family Law.’

How do I protect the children in family breakup? 

This thought was always with me as I went through a drawn out divorce. It was impossible to gauge the adverse effects on the children whilst in the thick of such mayhem; their teachers might have been sympathetic but this stuff was too personal to share with people who couldn't truly empathise. Teachers might have heard some if it before, but had they truly been there? And was it fair to burden them with this stuff? I didn't know the answers to these questions then but I've now found people and resources that can help and I shall be putting together a compilation very soon. For now though, if you are looking for help in London, the Institute of Family Therapy is among the first organisations in the UK to offer courses to separating and divorcing parents with their "Children in Mind" course. 

• Are you thinking of separating or are you already separated or divorced?   
• Are you worried about doing the best for your children whilst coping with everything else in this situation?   
• Would you like to hear about ways of managing and helping your family move forward?  

If so, their  three hour course Children in Mind (cost £40 per person) on 23 or 24 September in London NW1 is going to look at: 

• Talking to your children about separation and divorce.   
• The effects of this life changing event on children and adults.   
• Practical ideas on developing a co-operative parenting relationship with your ex-partner.   
• How to deal with less than ideal situations.  

Click here for more details of the Children in Mind course in PDF format. If you cannot view it, download free Adobe reader software here to view and print Adobe PDF files:

otherwise click here for the Institute of Family Therapy and Mediation website.  

The Best of the Rest   

If dating after breakup or divorce is too stressful – and it’s understandable if you may not be ready for it – what can you do to meet people and replace those lonely evenings with some fun, rather than lonely nights spend in the pub or in front of the PC? 

How can you get back into the social scene you once relished? Where are the opportunities to meet of new people with a readiness to try new things? 

Many people coming out of relationship breakup go straight into dating. It’s either going to be fun or miserable; if it makes you feel totally out of your depth then you may not be ready to make the huge leap into a new relationship (perhaps you are still working out what you can learn from the breakup) but that’s not to say you don’t wish to be sociable - and try new things.  J 

For people coming out of a long term breakup then Events and Friends in London could be the place to launch your new social life – it’s the fastest growing and the most innovative social club in London and you can register for free and have many opportunities to meet new people while you enjoy sumptuous social events. 

Members range from company executives to teachers, and fire-fighters to doctors brought together by their attitude to life; their enquiring minds and readiness to try new things and meet new people.

Events and Friends in London run around eight events per month, specifically designed for you to enjoy the vibrancy of being in London. The venues and type of event are chosen because they are that little bit different and not necessarily somewhere you have been or have done before. So come along, visit a new place, have a great time and meet friends.  

This is what an Events and Friends member said about how he found his feet post divorce: 

‘Over the years I have learned to take responsibility for my own happiness and meeting new like-minded people and making friends is the one most important thing that adds richness to my life.'

Click here to check out Events and Friends - London website.

Finally,  drop me an email or call if you need help in clearing fog cleared pre, through or post divorce. And stay subscribed. 

Best wishes

Kirsten

The Divorce Coach
Family breakup is a life changing event. We help to make it positive too.

t: +44 (0)208 1239046

www.divorcecoaching.co.uk